My biggest secret to helping your baby sleep!

Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: I’m a mom. Often, a tired one. I’ve got a toddler who still wakes up sometimes just to check in. I’ve had nights where I sobbed on the hallway floor because I just wanted her to chill out and to go the f*ck to sleep. It’s also important to note, that I’m a sleep coach. I literally help families for a living, yet my own kid struggles with sleep at times. So truly, I’m sharing this from the heart of someone who knows that baby and toddler sleep can be messy and make you want to tear your hair out! So when I tell you this secret, I’m not preaching from some perfect parenting pedestal — I’m sharing what I’ve learned the hard way.

Ready? Here it is.

My biggest secret for helping your baby sleep is this: manage your energy.

That’s it. Not a magic sleep sack, not a complicated bedtime routine with lavender mist and lullabies. Not wake windows or Wonder Weeks.

It’s you. Your nervous system. Your presence. Your energy.

Babies Are Barometers

Babies speak energy fluently. They know when you’re tense, anxious, overstimulated, frustrated, checked out. They may not know the why, but they feel it… and they mirror it. So when bedtime rolls around and your body is radiating stress because you just want a freaking break, your baby doesn’t settle. Because you’re not settled.

I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty. This is not one more thing to “perfect.” This is an invitation to be honest with yourself.

How are you feeling at bedtime?

If you’re like me, the answer is usually some version of: “exhausted, touched out, overstimulated, and fantasizing about being horizontal with zero humans touching me.”

But here’s the hard truth I’ve learned from experience: when I bring that energy into bedtime, it makes things worse. It keeps my kid wired, my patience thin, and the whole process way longer than it needs to be.

Managing Your Energy Doesn’t Mean Being Calm All the Time

Let me be 100% clear: When I say “manage your energy” I don’t mean that you should pretend to be calm when you’re not. I don’t mean trying to take deep breaths while clenching your jaw and white-knuckling through the bedtime meltdown.

What I mean is that before you head off to do your little one’s bedtime routine, you should assess what you’re carrying (emotionally, spiritually, physically) and doing something to shift it, even just a little.

Here’s what I do for me:

• Step away for 5-10 minutes. I have my husband take over or put my kid somewhere safe, and go to my bedroom and breathe. Or cry. Or curse. Or stretch. Or pray. Or shake it out. Whatever helps me release the chaos I’m holding at that moment. If I have extra time I’ll take a 10 minute walk outside, go fiddle with my garden, or go to the basement and have a dance party.

• Say it out loud. “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I want bedtime to be peaceful but my brain is fried.” Sometimes naming it helps me pause instead of reacting.

Here’s what I do to for my child:

• Turn down the sensory input. After dinner, the lights are low, the screens get turned off, the phone gets put away. I let the house slow down so our nervous systems can slow down.

• Quality time. We spend the last 30-45 minutes together as a family doing something that encourages connection. Maybe a family walk or we play a game, or rough house, or sit on the deck and have some dessert together. My daughter thrives and settles when she has the undivided attention of both her parents. If time or energy doesn’t allow for 30-45 minutes, aim for 15-20, just find some time.

• Touch with intention. Our kids feel our energy through touch. I try to soften my hands, slow my movements, and really connect with my kiddo even if it’s just for a minute while putting on jammies or while reading stories.

• Take turns. I’m in the stage where my daughter prefers me to do bedtime, but my husband still helps. He’ll take her upstairs to do the pre-bed routine of bath, brushing teeth and hair, jammies, etc. and I’ll take some time to myself downstairs. When she’s ready for stories, I head up and finish the routine. This gives me a little breather and also gives my husband and daughter some quality time together before bed.

Remember, this IS NOT about being perfect. It’s about being present for yourself and for your child.

Your Baby Needs Regulation

The truth is, babies learn how to regulate by co-regulating with us. So if we’re flying off the rails, they’re going to ride that roller coaster with us. When we pause, even briefly, and take a deep breath before we pick them up, they feel it. And over time, that becomes the rhythm they lean into. And in my experience, 9 times out of 10, that’s the foundation of better sleep.

And just a warning: implementing these changes will not equate to instant change. Your child will need to learn that you are consistently calm and regulated for bedtime before recognizing it and finding comfort in it. The more you learn to check in with your own energy and to meet your child with presence instead of pressure, the easier bedtime will become.

It won’t always be perfect and there may be setbacks along the way, but it will be less chaotic and more connected.

If this feels hard, it’s because it is. Managing your energy isn’t easy when you’ve had no break all day, you’re sleep-deprived, your house is a mess, and your child’s nap sucked.

If you’re local to Detroit and want some help with your baby’s sleep or need support so you can take regular breaks, we’re here. The team at Detroit Dreams Tonight are pros at helping you figure out how to get rest, how to feel more regulated, and how to not lose yourself in the swirl of exhaustion.

One More Thing...

If no one’s told you lately: you’re doing great.

You got this, mama. And if you want support? We’re just a message away.